A Bad Case of the “Shoulds”
I refer to self-imposed rules and standards as a Case of the “Shoulds.”
Some examples…I should shovel my neighbor’s sidewalk, I should cook more and order take-out less, I should clean out my closets, I should attend my niece’s graduation, I should go to church on Sunday, I shouldn’t eat that cookie, I should call my great aunt, etc.
My client, Jackie, has a rampant case of the “Shoulds” and, as an observer, I see how damaging it is when no one (including herself) can live up to them. The following is one of Jackie’s mandatory rules…
Thou shalt wash the sheets once a week.
Sadly, Jackie’s “Shoulds” have become more problematic now that her mom has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease, lives alone, and is resisting outside help. Once an exceptionally detailed homemaker, her mom now has difficulty with cleaning tasks and Jackie’s sister has stepped in to help.
Because Jackie has such a high cleaning standard, she is often fit-to-be-tied over the quality of her sister’s work. The sheets should be washed once a week, she cries!
One of the things dementia has taught me is to start questioning a situation in which I meet resistance. Is this issue worth an argument? Am I bumping up against my “Shoulds”? Am I better off lowering my standards to avoid a conflict?
I grew up in a home that was loving but also strict and disciplined. Rigid you might say. There were a lot of rules. Rules about…
Family roles - dad goes to work, mom raises the kids, kids are obedient and good.
Good = being nice, agreeable, attractive, religious, hard-working, humble, and always serving others before self.
Thus began my case of the Shoulds. And, I must admit that they worked pretty well for me for a long time because a person who puts everyone else’s needs first, is pretty likable and able to move through life with more ease than most.
However, for the last few years, I have been becoming more aware of ways in which the Shoulds impact not only my happiness but my well-being. I fess up to these in hopes that caregivers will recognize the similarities in themselves…
If I always put the needs of others over my own, I become exhausted.
If I don’t speak up when someone is taking advantage of me, the behavior persists.
If I say yes when I don’t want to do something, I grow resentful.
If I have set a very high standard that is impossible to achieve, I feel inadequate.
When I impose my “Shoulds” on others, I become controlling.
If I rely solely on the rules of others, my inner wisdom remains unused and hidden.
When dementia hits, many of the self-imposed rules caregivers have must be relaxed or entirely discarded to survive. We see this happening right away, in the earliest stages when loved ones begin to act strangely and forget rules involving social skills and norms. Anxiety rises as we feel the need to correct them because we are embarrassed or annoyed. Many family caregivers spend time and energy attempting to make excuses and hide a dementia diagnosis to protect them from the harsh opinions of others.
Obviously, some routines and rules serve a purpose to keep us safe and healthy. But what if dementia allows us to pause and question these a little? What if we don’t have to be nice and filter everything we say. Or what if the sheets get washed every 2 or even 3 weeks? The world wouldn’t end, would it?
Lowering our standards not only may prevent an argument with our loved one but can quell the inner torment that our Shoulds create. Relaxing our standards immediately reduces tension in the environment and within ourselves.
And when others project their Shoulds onto us in the form of a “you should be doing more” message, we can ward off guilt and shame and recognize it for what it is…their issue, not ours.
My message for Jackie…can you be gentle with yourself and lower your standards? Your Shoulds will get the best of you if you don’t.