Surrender vs. Serenity
The title, Surrender vs. Serenity, sounds like a sports match or battle. In one corner, we have “Surrender” who has been defeated and crushed. On the other side is “Serenity” who is also in a tough spot but has recognized what she cannot change and has acquiesced. The dementia journey is ridiculously difficult and full of things we can control but even more that we can’t. With serenity on your side, you have a better shot at winning.
When we find ourselves in situations where we feel utterly powerless, it’s often hard to recognize the choices that are available to us. Often, the superpower that needs to be activated is our ability to recognize when we have no control over a person or situation. Really, despite our best efforts to manipulate our lives or the world, control is an illusion. Reality almost always has it’s own agenda, timetable, and hurdles, and the more we try to force an issue, the less likely we are to feel good. Yes, there are times when we need to stand our ground in the face of dementia but there are more times when acquiescence is the better path for our health and happiness.
One of my very favorite clients is Sue. Sue is quirky and has a heart of gold that isn’t always apparent to bystanders. She has issues with personal space and frequently crowds others in a checkout line. She worries about the welfare of pets and stops dog owners to lecture them on the importance of using a leash. Physical health is very important to Sue and because she is so caring, she has started to approach people who carry a little more weight around the middle to educate them about the benefits of exercise. Yikes!
Sue’s social skills have declined due to dementia. She also has developed “tunnel vision” meaning she fixates on what is directly in front of her and does not pay attention to nearby objects or people. This is the reason why she crowds people in line…she is so focused on making a purchase or ordering a food item that she completely ignores everything else around her. Sue also is a bit impulsive and the combination of tunnel vision and impulsivity has made for some interesting and unsafe situations. She crosses the street without looking for cars, attempts to exit the car while I’m still parking, and jumps the queue because she hasn’t noticed that others are waiting. Sue is so focused and determined that there is little I can say to hold her back from a potentially harmful or embarrassing situation.
Fortunately, I’ve gotten to know Sue’s “quirks” pretty well and can intervene most of the time. I position myself between her and other people in line so she crowds me, not them. My front car seat is permanently “broken” so she must sit in the back where safety locks prevent a premature exit. But I haven’t quite been able to find a way to deter her from talking about weight loss to unsuspecting strangers.
I could choose to argue or rationalize with Sue but I know this won’t end well. I could choose to surrender and not take her out into the community but this seems completely unfair to her. Instead, I choose to accept that I can’t change Sue or control her actions. With POA permission, I now carry a business card that reads, “My companion has Alzheimer’s Disease which causes memory loss and confusion. Please understand any unusual behavior. Your patience is appreciated.” In the vast majority of cases, strangers are compassionate when they read this (a PDF is available on the Alzheimer’s Association website).
Serenity requires a degree of awareness when we meet resistance, and awareness of our ability or inability to control it. By resistance, I mean a challenge that we can’t easily overcome. Resistance can come in many forms like the irrational beliefs and responses of our loved one; judgment from others about our caregiving decisions; healthcare system hurdles, and our own emotions to name a few. There are so many instances of resistance in dementia care that it is no wonder family care providers frequently report health complications and poor quality of life.
In most cases, dementia demands that we walk through a difficult situation instead of avoiding it. Do we fight our way through, trying to control everyone and everything? Do we surrender in hopeless defeat? The reality of the situation is that we will do both of these things from time to time because dementia is a long and arduous road that doesn’t come with a map. I hope that you will consider practicing the highest level of self-care and try to maneuver your way through dementia from a place of serenity.
I’m always hesitant to talk about faith because I know many have been harmed by religion while others consider it a source of strength. This familiar prayer is one exception I make…
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change,
Courage to change the
things I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace…
- Reinhold Niebuhr