Pause for Peace & Patience

Pause-peace-patience has become something of a mantra lately because I often find myself impatient to solve problems and decide on a direction. However, lately the universe has been reminding me almost constantly that I am not in charge, and factors too numerous to count, affect the outcome of nearly everything.

I arrived at my client Dawn's memory care facility around 10:00 this morning. I know from having worked in the industry for a number of years that the term facility is not en vogue. The preferable word is community or setting or maybe it’s another word now. But this place feels like a facility. It has a nice ambience but there is very little for Dawn to do except wander around, nap or watch TV. The other day I arrived and incredulously watched five staff members sit around the activity table working on an art project intended for the residents! 

So my client understandably wants to leave and go home. What is she supposed to be doing? No one stops for a conversation or even to say hello. It’s mind-boggling to me that this is the culture of some (not all) memory care communities despite the marketing material touting their expertise. 

As soon as I enter the building, I’m greeted by the memory care director who says to her colleague in an annoyed tone, “oh - here is her person” and then to me, “she has been at the door and trying to leave all morning.”

I feel angry at her indifference but also bummed out. Dawn moved in 2 weeks ago and we were anticipating “exit seeking” for a variety of reasons but were pleasantly surprised when this didn’t happen immediately. But now it’s here. My second reaction is to worry that this might ruin everything for her. She may not be able to stay because this doesn’t seem like the kind of place that will try very hard to make this a successful transition. My third reaction is to feel a little anxious about not being able to help her through the next few hours when I am scheduled to be there.

I’m getting better at reminding myself to pause, take a breath, and to be patient. This means I chill out, settle into the moment with Dawn and see how things go. If I arrive with any agenda (e.g. I need to maneuver her away from the door, I need to get her to take off the jacket that doesn’t belong to her, I need to return all of the stuff to her room that she has piled up in the lobby), this isn’t going to go well. Arguing and persuading will only end in frustration and could possibly escalate to something worse.

I have the luxury of time. Two full hours that I can spend with this sweet lady who is having a difficult day. Dawn tells me that usually a friend comes to take her out for coffee and she is waiting for her. That friend is me. For the past year or so I have been taking her to her favorite coffee shop among other things. She no longer accurately remembers this but obviously there is something familiar about me and my purpose for coming today. I admit to her that I am not here to take her out but would it be ok for me to hang out with her while she waits?  I suggest that we sit down in the nearby comfy chairs and luckily she agrees. 

Before I got out of the car and entered Dawn's world today, I remembered to pause for a few seconds - take a breath - and clear my mind of my own agenda filled with to-do lists and other thoughts. This helps me prepare for our time together. Today after doing this, a fleece blanket that I had in the trunk caught my eye and I quickly stuffed it into my tote bag. The blanket has pieces of fringe to tie together and the activity was a big fail when I tried it with Dawn before. ZERO interest on her part. But... much to my surprise, for some reason it held her attention today for over 40 minutes! Maybe the softness of the fabric was comforting or maybe she has declined cognitively and this is now an interesting activity for her. In any case, I thanked the universe for nudging me to bring it along today.

So we sat in comfy chairs and worked on the blanket. And as we worked I waited for my opening. I patiently waited for a moment where Dawn might be receptive to the idea of not leaving the building today. I had no idea if or when it would come but I was hopeful it eventually would. And then, after we had been together for close to an hour, the opening arrived like a butterfly...subtle, but startling enough for me to recognize my cue.

I had asked Dawn a few times if she wanted to take her jacket off while she waited and she eventually said, “It looks cold out there.” Yes, it is cold out and slippery I agree. Have you noticed that there are a lot more people coming in than leaving? It’s so warm and cozy here. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day to go out.

I have the luxury of knowing Dawn very well and know that she is really into the weather. She checks her phone weather app all the time and over prepares. She brings along an umbrella at the hint of rain and it took us until June last year to gently convince her to transition from her winter parka to a light sweater. Waterproof shoes are the preferred footwear choice.

I thanked the dementia angels as she agreed with my weather assessment and that tomorrow may be a better day to leave after all. She also agreed that it would be a good idea to bring her possessions back to her room so they wouldn’t be moved or go missing. And just like that, we were back in her room where she removed the mystery jacket and used the bathroom. We listened to some music, did a little dancing and then headed to the lunch table. 

“As you start to walk on the way, the way appears” is a quote from Rumi. This arrived in my inbox recently and the wisdom directly relates to how we can offer support for clients who are experiencing a difficult moment. Arriving with a calm spirit, having as little of an agenda as possible, being patient for what comes next, and having faith that a solution will eventually appear helps pave the way for happier moments. Pause - peace - patience.